People Pleaser
A people-pleaser is a person who goes out of their way to make others happy — at the expense of their own well-being. They apologize or accept blame for things that aren’t their fault. They’re overly agreeable and willing to go along with whatever another person chooses.
“A true people-pleaser will continuously put their own needs lower on their priority list in order to prioritize the needs of others. People-pleasers may put themselves in difficult situations or take on unnecessary responsibilities in order to gain others’ affection and approval,”
Essentially, people-pleasing is a personality built squarely on serving others while neglecting yourself.
What causes people-pleasing behavior?
People-pleasing is a way of life that’s rooted in a deep-seated need to make others happy. Often, it’s seen alongside other conditions and behaviors like:
- Low self-esteem.
2. Difficulty with assertiveness.
3. Avoiding conflict.
4.Fear of abandonment.
5. Generalized anxiety.
6. Depression.
Additionally, problematic people-pleasing tendencies can be common among people whose childhood taught them that being “good” and avoiding conflict were of utmost importance. That’s particularly true if you experienced abuse, trauma, neglect or abandonment earlier in your life.
Signs you’re a people-pleaser
- You begin to feel taken advantage of.
- You’re unsatisfied in your relationships with others.
- You feel frustrated or resentful.
- You start experiencing mental and physical symptoms of stress and burnout, like trouble sleeping, getting sick more often or changes to your weight.
How to Stop Being a People Pleaser.
5 Steps to Pleasing You.
1. Get comfortable with no.
Saying “no” is not always easy. When you want to say no to a request or invitation, think about what comes up in your body. Practice tolerating that discomfort by taking a deep breath.
Recognize that you may not have been given permission to say no as a child, but you can do so today as an adult. Practice saying some go-to phrases such as, “Unfortunately, I can’t…,” “I’m going to pass on this…,” “Thanks but that’s not going to work for me,” or simply, “No, I’m not able to…”
2. Set other boundaries.
A boundary is a limit or standard you establish to protect yourself. There are different kinds of boundaries: physical boundaries, time boundaries, financial boundaries, and emotional, sexual, and spiritual boundaries. Take time to identify areas in your life where you might need to create and enforce boundaries.
3. Center yourself.
You may believe that it’s selfish to put your needs first. You may be in the habit of going out of your way to help others, but it may not actually be in your self-interest. Think about what it means to truly center yourself instead.
Ask yourself: How does this make me feel? What do I want to do or to happen? It can feel strange for a people-pleaser to ask these questions when you’re often focused on what others feel and what they want. But centering yourself is the first step toward empowering yourself.
4. Remember your values.
It’s important to be clear about your priorities and what matters most to you, and make sure that anything you are asked to do is in keeping with those values. If an action would cause you to go against your values, you need to reject it. Your values are a roadmap to help you navigate thorny issues or questions. You need to know them in order to stand by them.
5. Get extra support.
This issue is quite common. If you struggle with saying no or people-pleasing causes you distress, consider getting support.
